Is Feeling So BLEU

Ok...so my life has been a series of bad news days...weeks...months...and yes years. My artistry and presentations have been what keeps me holding on and moving forward during these many horrific situations, crisis moments, nervous breakdowns, anger streaks, isolated depressions, anxiety attacks, and drama queen sessions. I pat myself on the back (silently) for even having the nerve to create through all of the inexplainable things that occur to me and around me.

Life is hard, has always been rough, and seems to throw more and more intricate and exciting curveballs my way. But during all of these things (content slated for future blog entries), God and my ancestors continues to  bless me and surround me with family, extended family, and friends who support and encourage my process and work as an artist. Both my therapeutic process, and way of life.

I know alot of my work may go from pretty to painful, colorful to very very dark. Surreal to abstract, flat to 3D, comprehendable to all over the place, but damnit, it has been born and has grown even beyond my wildest dreams.

The most recent and most pleasant surprise to me has been being featured in Bleu Magazines' Spring 2011 Edition. It is out in Newstands and Barnes & Nobles stores now. It features a brief bio about me and my work, and it also invites folks to come to my blog, which is very new, and still being developed (so please don't insult my lack of preparedness...lol)

I want to give a shout out to Trevoy Ross and the entire staff at Bleu Magazine for inviting me to be a part of this issue, and for the beautiful way in which my artwork and name is represented. It is a very big gift to me. I would also like to thank Janet Gonzalez for her beautiful contribution and our wonderful work together. I'm looking forward to more photoshoots with you so get ready! Love you!

-Charly...

P.S. Good news does make a difference! Today i'm feeling a different kind of BLEU!!!

The Endless Hate of the Homophobe

I'm 30 years old...and i don't think there have been any or many days in my entire life when i haven't been witness, or subject of the hateful tongues, snares, threats, terrorism of the nations of homophobes that exist in our world, neighborhoods, streets, jobs, schools, stores, barber shops, corners, buses, trains-whatever you can think of.

They have filled me with anger, hate, fear, tears, and a longing for them to
I hate them 10x more than they could even think of hating me. They picture me in a sexual position just by my walking by. As much as they hate my lifestyle, they sure do obsess about it very often.

Enough has happened in every religion i've learned of, or seen people involved in to know that human error is at the heart of the fall of our spiritual systems, and human error is what makes every religous book contradictory to its own passages and mistranslated in its messages. So no high priest, or priestess of any system can tell me that the natural act of my sexual orientation is unclean before the eyes of my higher power. Between me and my higher power, god/goddess, olofi, and anything else that he/she may be called, there is noone who stands as an authority. So please, tend to your own penises, vaginas, anuses, and don't worry about mine unless you're interested in really finding out about it, and if i'm willing to show u.

For Women, it seems like they are so through with men and their endless issues about being in relationship to them, that when being with a woman is not in their desires, they take on a gay friend as a secondary boyfriend. But one thing i am not is anyones mascot "queen". I am an artist, and i am queer, and yes i can be funny, and colorful, and can cut up with the most flaming of us. But for all of that, you must already be in my circle, i must already feel like you're family to feel comfortable enough to be that open and free with you. I assure you, this is not all that i am, those moments of banter, and acting out, are fun, but i am not your court jester or comic relief. Nor am i gonna be ready to just become your personal hairstylist, makeup artist, stylist, counselor, just because i'm gay. I am not a secondary human to be at your disposal just because i am that insecure about how people feel about me that i must make myself worthy of their acceptance by being an accessory. My "gay" friend...my pet...my servant.

For the groups of men i always encounter this subject seems to be the biggest joke, the constant thing that they have to prove to each other that they are not. Well, i guess if you have to prove your "manhood" to your boy, or your friend, your "man", then that means that that person has some kind of hold, power, control of you doesn't it? So much so that they can tell u what you can and cannot do with your dick, and even worse, they even control your ASSHOLE. This is interesting when these are the same men who wear their pants hanging off their asses (which i absolutely love to see!!! roger that!) and who spend their days roughing each other up, and training each others bodies to look like their ideas of perfection. ***Things that make you go hmmm...

The tension i feel whenever faced with groups of men in corners, in front of stores, in barber shops, or gathered in packs on the train, or on a bus, is instant. I'm being sized up even while minding my business. As colorful, and tight as "straight" kats are dressing these days, even in my plain, baggy, and no frills as i appear on a daily basis, because of my unwanted, yet growing fame as an artist and gay activist

I have been harrassed, bullied, strategically terrorized, ridiculed, and falsely accused by these sons and daughters of rotten crotch bitches...who don't think of their own imperfections, corruptions, and ignorance, they're too busy worrying about keeping up a fascade of gender role, and holding everyone around them accountable of their own shackled mind.

My conflict with my anger and hatred of these folks is that i believe that our god wants us to love unconditionally, and to even have love for your enemies. I also believe in turning poison into medicine. I also have to face them from the minute i leave my apartment to travel anywhere i am going. I ask for strength, and to numb my hypersensitivity to their toxic clouds of hate.

Where are our heroes? where are our soldiers? it seems we (lgbtq folks) are more vested in tearing each other down superficially, while the rest of the world handles the rest. Meanwhile many are living and suffering through these biases in silence, and afraid to turn to anyone. I will continue to voice what i feel, and to cry out in public if i have to because i want it to be known that i am experiencing an injustice everyday of my life just for being who i am...with all of my colors!

photograph by Idriis Thompson

In Loving Memory of Daniel Mejia

Thank you for baptizing me Mama "Ohm" and for my Mojo Bag

I miss you and love u dearly!!

Art: My gift, my religion, my way of life

-Photograph by Janet Gonzalez

-What The Art is That?

Ok, so for many years i've been thinking about blogging, and i couldn't sit down to get to it, so much has been happening in my life, in myself, in the world around me. These days, its hard for me to even sit down to paint, something that comes so easily to my fingers...to my mind...in my dreams. I just turned 30 last month. Here we are a month later, and i still don't believe it...but it's time for me to start to write about everything i am, and everything i bring to the world.

Since i was very little, i have been living in between many worlds. Worlds that i clearly see before me and float into, and this world that i walk in, but sometimes find it hard to channel through. And i find that my artwork is a combination of all of these things.

I say mixed media because to break down my creative process is at times way too long or too much information for most people. And i also wonder how much i have to say about images that people will perceive in their own ways.

What i can say is that the spirit world, that is in coexistence with us, informs my work a great deal. From my paintings to my performance art, many themes of spiritual, cultural, and ritualistic nature are at the heart of the topic.

Things i use to create with:

Acrylic, Water, Oil, Spray paints,Clay, Rhinestones, Wig Heads, Camera, Photoshop, Make-Up, Brushes, Canvas, Canvas Boards, Wood, Paper, Wall, Dry Wall, People, Clothing, Footwear, Etc...basically anything on any surface!

-Mystical Graffiti Bridge:

As a rebel, during my early teenage years, i would tag up around my neighborhood. My tag was PAZE 7C...what the hell that ever meant, lord knows, it just looked nice as a tag. And i had a really nice way of writing it. And as long as it looked good, that was all i was concerned with. I loved graffiti art. Not just people tagging up for the sake of it, but the lettering, the colors, the sharp and bubble formations, the images. I remember thinking of them all as much cooler than the little trees and fruit bowls we were taught to draw or paint in art class in my elementary school. So naturally, i began to create my own interpretations of works using graffiti styles.

-To Drag or not to Drag...No Question

Ok, ok...well, i've always been a drag queen...but i'm not sure i'm like any drag queen you've ever met before...but i could be wrong, since i haven't met too many drag queens outside of their drag personas, or alter egos. I am what some may call "Two-Spirited" meaning that i manifest fully as both male and female, and appear as either at whichever time i feel to whether people are around or not. Although i do have performance as an intention behind how either may manifest, it is not necessary for me to be about to perform in order to "dress up" or get "up in dem" (gay lingo for getting in drag). My main female self is known as Charline, and she goes as far back as my daycare center days. My sister was in an African Dance class, and would come home and teach me the dances. I always longed to be in the classes, but of course i was more interested in how the young girls would move their bodies than in the watered down dance lessons taught to the only 2 boys that would join the class as add ins to accent the girls during their performances. when my sister would teach me the dances, i would hide her in my room, and dress up in her clothing so that i can appear similiar to the girls in class. My sister laughed it off, but saw that i was quite serious about it, and just became used to it. My next time revealing my drag nature was during my drop in center days at Hetrick Martin Institute. Now whats interesting is the reaction that you get from other gay and transgender folk when they discover that you "cross-dress" especially when many of them are interested in you because you usually display a masculine nature. So what ended up happening was that people loved Charly, but hated on Charline...

The true Charline is very different from her alter ego "Charline Elizabeth Baltimore" aka Virtuagurl etc. This name emerged after watching The Long Kiss Goodnight. Her attitude is comprised of what i call "Banjee Cunts" (please don't be offended, thats another one of those gay ghetto terms, lol). Basically women that are from the hood and take on a very strong, aggressive, even masculine persona, pretty and adorned, yet rough around the edges! these were the women i was raised by, my best friends, sisters, godsisters, cousins, and even some who i was punked by coming up all my life. Her look has been pretty much the same throughout the years. She just looks like i would have looked if i was born female, similiar to my mother and sister, long black hair, pretty...not too much make up, and usually wearing pants. Her character takes on their many stories and her upcoming projects will clearly show this.

Two-Spirited is probably not the best terminology for me. I am actually "Multi-Spirited" not to be mistaken with multiple personality disorder...in my case, they're actually in order, and i have become more and more in control of when and how they manifest through me. I primarily present as male, i live my life as a man, and honor my masculinity. This is not an act or a "front", but part of my nature. I however also recognize my feminine self/ves. It is a distinct feeling that overtakes me, a difference in attitude, posture, facial expression, stride, and thought. And she, or should i say they, are their own person. My "personalities" or performance alter egos are related to the many spirit guides that have been with me since i was a child. Who have presented themselves to me through trance, meditation, rituals, and religous ceremonies. They also relate directly to people who i have encountered in my life, and tell the stories of these very different people from very different walks of life. Many of my "characters" have been out and about, and all my names have been known by Family and Friends. And you will get to know them each soon...

Although i don't do it often, because i am such a hermit, painting and creating outdoors is my favorite thing to do. It just gives me a different mood and feeling. It does not bother me that people come to see what i am working on, that actually encourages me to become more detailed, and pushes me to create more because i get positive feedback on my work.

I have so much more to say, but i think that this will be it for today. I have many things to share with you all...the world. Welcome to my world, and hopefully we can teach each other something about making both places more beautiful as time goes on...

Please do leave your comments, they will help me better communicate with you all through this blog...my public journal. :-)

cjdartnow@gmail.com

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